midnight editor

Flylady talks about the Midnight Editor. I have been writing on my prayer book this morning about a thought that came to me.
My coach asks me "What has helped you in the past?"
I was thinking about this question with regard to my present challenge of not being able to get myself to work 9 to 5 as if I am a paid artist. Another of his questions goes with: What is it going to take?
I listed things I have succeeded at before:
motherhood
marriage
graduated from college
superhero job at work
AIT
IBS
USPTA certification
working as a tennis professional
playing on a USTA team
working for BI for 4 years after my husband died
my first commissioned art project
D.Dewey's watercolor masterclass
11 years as a missionary, 31 years on staff of a mission organization

Here's what came to mind: all of the above had tracks to run on except marriage and motherhood.

Then I imagined my distance runner coach running in a race with no path set out for him, out on some hills and plains looking left and right, running this way for a while and then making a right turn for no reason whatsoever, his head going back and forth trying to think of which way to run, all the while running and spending lots of energy. There are weeds and rocks and uneven ground under his feet in this mental image. This makes me laugh. It is so absurd and it looks funny in my mind.

But truly, what makes it funny is it's absurdity. And it is way too close to the truth of what I have been doing. So why do I run around like a chicken with my head cut off?
And why am I trying to reinvent the wheel?

Next to each accomplishment on the list, I wrote what made me succeed? What made me get to the finish line?

Each time THERE WERE TRACKS TO RUN ON.
USPTA certification. I had a big fat notebook to study, hours of classes to teach (practice) and a pro to teach me how to teach.
college degree. It took 4 years, someone else decided the requirements, someone else gave the assignments and the grades; it was all planned out before I got there.
AIT (training to go overseas as a missionary) 3.5 months were set aside and we went to CA to sit in class, do assignments, play psyche games, study the Bible, turn in homework assignments and build team skills.
my first art commission. There were 30 pictures to paint. Each poem provided the idea for the painting.
Marriage--this one did not have specific enough tracks to run on, but the basic thing that made it successful was that we were both committed to making it work for the sake of honoring Christ, and I was committed to following my husband's leadership, so that I was not making up my own life route, that was decided by my husband (yes, I had input.)
4 years working after my husband died. I chose to help a specific person and just showed up and did what she wanted. There was no deciding on my part.
superhero stint. same thing, I showed up and did what the big managers asked. I was paired with a young woman who had administrative and leadership gifts and I said I don't care if I'm twice your age and then some, you decide, I'll help you do whatever.
D.Dewey's Watercolor Masterclass. I showed up and painted every day. He decided where we painted and using watercolor was a given and I tried to do what he told us to do.

So back to the coach running a race. No, he is not looking around wondering which way to run. He is on a specific track and you had better believe he's on the inside of the curve taking the shortest route to the finish line!

Then I wrote down: If you don't want to do the marketing part of your artist job, look for a gallery who will put up your work or hire someone to market your work on line and/or get a SCORE mentor who has done this before and ask him or her to do it for you.
Next I wrote: You know you are going to want a website.

Ron has said many times without a vision the people perish. It is scripture and the principle applies broadly to life. I am like that fire hydrant that has its cap off and the water is gushing out but there is no hose or nozzle attached to point the water at the base of the fire.

Why, I ask myself, have I gotten up and dinked around things at home since my mate died? I have given myself permission to grieve, that's a good thing, but not to the extent of allowing laziness.
I was overwhelmed and that was on top of already being a SHE (side-tracked home executive). So what I was dealing with was 30 years of living in Quadrant One (urgent plus important) as a mom, doing whatever seemed most pressing at the time to keep my family alive and well. Being in the helper role as a wife, almost 30 years of that. Suddenly he is gone and now my kids are almost grown and I'm not living to keep them alive moment my moment any more, they are almost independent.
When I was stressed out with fighting fires, I'd escape into Quadrant Four, time wasters like too much TV, sleep, and although I do not think tennis was exactly a time waster, yet I played any time I could because it was good therapy to crunch the fuzz right off the ball and get out all my frustration and hostility by getting physical on the court.

Now since I quit my BI job, and am about to terminate my present job and launch into full time writing and painting, it sure looks to me like I've been trying to reinvent the wheel.

I am making up a path for the first time. Others have had careers writing and painting and there is a way they have done it. I have a life purpose statement and I have made long term and short term goals but I lose sight of them (which must be why I paddle out a few feet from the dock and then stop)

Last thought: I have a love hate relationship with being single. I love the freedom and the thought of being someone else's follower is very unappealing to me now, but I realize that along with my freedom, only I own the responsibility for my life. If only I could find someone perfect who was doing exactly what I want to do and I could follow him. There is no such person.

I want to stay free and independent, but I am not yet able to lead myself successfully. I don't want to follow any more.

Well, none of this is really new. My coach and I have discussed these things, but the image of him running a race with no track....that helps me understand a little better why I am not winning my race yet.

Time to paint. I think I have more to say about this but not now.