Dear Coach

Talk to me, then. Do you think I did not know I was giving only partial effort to my new career? You have said you are not an edgy kind of coach. You are nice and you are very good at emphasizing the positive and helping me to do that. So I noticed that it was very difficult for you to say the words. You said it yourself, that it was a very hard call for you. The one where you told me from your viewpoint that I had not determined to go for it: art and writing (and always the maybe coaching) as a career. I wonder what you thought my reaction might be. Breaking down in tears? Anger? Being insulted? Withdrawing? Maybe it's exactly the way I feel when I do not want to confront my daughters and I see things that are foundational in their lives that I believe need to be changed. I don't like to hurt their feelings. I don't want them to be unhappy because of me.

But you are right. If ever I have been a loser in my life, it must have had it's tap root deep in fear. And where fear ruled, I did not put my heart, soul, mind or strength in. The side roots attached to the tap root are laziness, love of comfort and leisure, being the baby of the family, being accustomed to having enough money and not having to work for it, ... maybe other stuff.

I think of my years competing in tennis. I never got over the fear of losing, and so I lost most of my matches. I TAUGHT tennis as a certified professional, for Pete's sake, and knew the mechanics. I was very fit and stronger and faster than my opponents and I had shots and spins they did not have. I practiced hours and hours.

But when I walked out onto the court, in the back of my mind was ALWAYS "you can lose, you might lose". Once I was up 5-2 in both sets and lost the match to a woman with very little skill. She said to me when we shook hands, YOU ARE SO GOOD. And I was, compared to her. I gave her the match because I was afraid of the momentum shift (at 5-2, the winning player can relax and the losing player makes changes and digs in. You see it all the time in sports) She did not beat me, I beat myself. I never really got over that mental hurdle when I quit playing tennis.

What did I want to write about? I needed to hear you say it, I guess that's what it was. I needed to hear: You are not going to get there unless you get serious and put your heart, soul, mind and strength into it, Annie. Up till now, I've done a lot of work, exploring, investigating, meditating, thinking, mulling over, rehashing, discussing, writing, praying even....but I have not decided to do it.

By the way I liked what you shared from your wife's thesis about building confidence and efficacy. Efficacy isn't in my pocket Oxford American Dictionary. But efficacious (adjective) means producing the desired result. So efficacy must mean the production of the desired result. Reaching your goal. Getting there. Standing on the mountain top.

Once I asked my tennis coach to be really tough on me; I wanted to get good as fast as possible. He said go out and play in tournaments. Months later when I was licking my wounds and whining to him about how hard it was, he reminded me of how I had stood right there and asked him to be hard on me. Oh, yeah, I said that, didn't I. So this is part of it? Duh.

Jumping out there, no matter what the outcome....including losing all my savings and my house....is that the fear I have to overcome?

And oh, yes, my new theme song from Josh Groban's album
Let me fall
let me fly
There's a moment when fears and dreams must collide.
Someone I am is waiting for the courage
Someone I will become will catch me
So let me fall if I must fall
I won't heed their warnings
I won't hear them

Let me fall, if I fall
All the feelings ? may or may not rise? (cant hear words clearly on this line)
I will dance so freely holding on to no one
You can hold me only if you too will fall away and let.....
.....all fears useless fear and shame? ...(can't hear words)

Let me fall If I fall
there's no; reason to miss this one chance, this perfect moment
just let me fall.

This is my trapeze song. I believe it is from the Cirque de Soleil (circus).
When I left a secure salary for NOTHING, and living off my savings, I was letting go of one bar flying through the air knowing that I would catch the other. But in the mean time I was flying through the air.

There are nay-sayers in my life who say "it is hard to make a living painting", or maybe art will be your "hobby" while you get a real job. It makes me want to run back and get a real job and make enough money doing (whatever) and then in my spare time, develop an art/writing job. Be sure first. Be safe. Don't be foolish and waste all your money; you will be so ashamed. It will confirm the fact that you are just a dumb girl, unable to handle finances. Then where will you be? Still no where and broke.

Let me fall. I won't heed their warnings. If they don't think I should put all my effort into being an artist or a writer, or a coach, they are entitled to their opinion.

The line:
"someone I am is waiting for my courage." NO. This is not going to cut it. You don't get courage by waiting for it or even praying for it. You pluck it up. Pluck up your courage. Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. So the idea is someone I am is depending on my courage. I am choosing to take my courage and go.

If I were not convinced God has led me to this place, I might agree with the nay-sayers.

Enough for now, that brilliant blue sky is waiting for the dog and me.

Dear Coach, you surely know that you have plenty of relational capital to spend. The truth may hurt, but I want it.