I dont think it has sunk in yet

My son is home with his wife. She sent email photos of him with their dog. I wonder what he thinks about as he looks back over the past months. I wonder what it feels like for him to have been where he has been. I wonder if he will want to talk about it when I see him and whether there are things I should not press him to talk about. I will want to know everything and that may not be the best idea.

Outside it's all pastelly. Spring is here and today it is supposed to be 80. These colors do not inspire me to get out my paints and copy them, but I sure enjoy looking at them.

At work I complained that there is often someone else in my co-worker of the month parking spot. The duty manager acted immediately and now they give tickets to whoever parks there. Now I feel like a pruney faced old fuss-budget. I hope no one slashes my tires in retaliation.

It is tomorrow and cloudy. I ran with the dog at the lake and hardly saw any pastels at all. Lots of green and the water was dark with light gray sky reflections. Don't feel like painting that either.

Most of the time these days I don't run before breakfast, but because of my bloodtest, I did not eat and I realized again how much easier it is to run on an empty stomach. I pushed myself to keep running however slowly for the benefit of building my emotional confidence. It will help me physically, but as I ran today I was thinking of how it would help me in my tenacious category more than the physical. I stopped and walked about 5 times but made my self start again within about 10 paces. Once I had to stop and make the dog lie down while a field trip full of 10-11 years olds went back to where they came from. I don't know how many of them said 'Look at that dog' and 'roof,roof' but it was a lot. I kept popping kibble into her mouth saying see? children! treats. good girl, you are being polite. I have learned that with a reactive dog, you keep them away from potentially upsetting situations and reward them when they are calm around people they will be prone to reacting to (like anyone). The first priority was to stop at a good distance. And it takes many, many such successful experiences to build the dog's confidence. (Read Jean Donaldson: The Culture Clash. She is a genius about dogs)

While waiting to have my blood drawn, I looked over my coach call notes and transferred things into my palm in the form of tasks.

Why am I contacting any particular artist or writer?
Because I want to know how they earn money painting and writing. How did they start? What was absolutely necessary? What was extra? How do they keep customers? Did they do this on purpose, or are they just gifted and walked into it serendipitously?
Ron reminded me of this: some will say I can't help you but I know someone who can.

What can I offer them?

I was thinking about how I want to help good people get hired at my store (so I won't have so many slackers to work with, and for the overall good of the company). I have thought of several people and 2 got hired but only for summer. I have realized that I need to talk to maybe 10 or 20 to get one hired, especially older people who want a job year round. Anyway we used to have support parties when we were in ministry, and we were told to invite 40 people if you wanted 10, or some such ratio. It is the same thing Ron is trying to get across about contacting these people. If I keep at it I will find the ones with the answers.

This post started out to be about my son being home and how I don't think it has really hit me. I felt just a little sad the day after he called from his house, and I think it was just a bit of sorrow that his dad couldn't be here to see him come home and be excited for him just as I am. Maybe sad that there has to be war. I see people come into the store in cammies and I want to talk to them and ask them about their service to the country and thank them. Sometimes I do end up in conversations with them.

Someone at work was indicating that I should still be his number one in my son's heart, and that after one day with his wife he should come see his mama. I argued No, he belongs with his wife first. I will never come between them or try to stay in first place in his heart. Leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife.

OK my cereal is gone, time to get going.

Dear Coach

Talk to me, then. Do you think I did not know I was giving only partial effort to my new career? You have said you are not an edgy kind of coach. You are nice and you are very good at emphasizing the positive and helping me to do that. So I noticed that it was very difficult for you to say the words. You said it yourself, that it was a very hard call for you. The one where you told me from your viewpoint that I had not determined to go for it: art and writing (and always the maybe coaching) as a career. I wonder what you thought my reaction might be. Breaking down in tears? Anger? Being insulted? Withdrawing? Maybe it's exactly the way I feel when I do not want to confront my daughters and I see things that are foundational in their lives that I believe need to be changed. I don't like to hurt their feelings. I don't want them to be unhappy because of me.

But you are right. If ever I have been a loser in my life, it must have had it's tap root deep in fear. And where fear ruled, I did not put my heart, soul, mind or strength in. The side roots attached to the tap root are laziness, love of comfort and leisure, being the baby of the family, being accustomed to having enough money and not having to work for it, ... maybe other stuff.

I think of my years competing in tennis. I never got over the fear of losing, and so I lost most of my matches. I TAUGHT tennis as a certified professional, for Pete's sake, and knew the mechanics. I was very fit and stronger and faster than my opponents and I had shots and spins they did not have. I practiced hours and hours.

But when I walked out onto the court, in the back of my mind was ALWAYS "you can lose, you might lose". Once I was up 5-2 in both sets and lost the match to a woman with very little skill. She said to me when we shook hands, YOU ARE SO GOOD. And I was, compared to her. I gave her the match because I was afraid of the momentum shift (at 5-2, the winning player can relax and the losing player makes changes and digs in. You see it all the time in sports) She did not beat me, I beat myself. I never really got over that mental hurdle when I quit playing tennis.

What did I want to write about? I needed to hear you say it, I guess that's what it was. I needed to hear: You are not going to get there unless you get serious and put your heart, soul, mind and strength into it, Annie. Up till now, I've done a lot of work, exploring, investigating, meditating, thinking, mulling over, rehashing, discussing, writing, praying even....but I have not decided to do it.

By the way I liked what you shared from your wife's thesis about building confidence and efficacy. Efficacy isn't in my pocket Oxford American Dictionary. But efficacious (adjective) means producing the desired result. So efficacy must mean the production of the desired result. Reaching your goal. Getting there. Standing on the mountain top.

Once I asked my tennis coach to be really tough on me; I wanted to get good as fast as possible. He said go out and play in tournaments. Months later when I was licking my wounds and whining to him about how hard it was, he reminded me of how I had stood right there and asked him to be hard on me. Oh, yeah, I said that, didn't I. So this is part of it? Duh.

Jumping out there, no matter what the outcome....including losing all my savings and my house....is that the fear I have to overcome?

And oh, yes, my new theme song from Josh Groban's album
Let me fall
let me fly
There's a moment when fears and dreams must collide.
Someone I am is waiting for the courage
Someone I will become will catch me
So let me fall if I must fall
I won't heed their warnings
I won't hear them

Let me fall, if I fall
All the feelings ? may or may not rise? (cant hear words clearly on this line)
I will dance so freely holding on to no one
You can hold me only if you too will fall away and let.....
.....all fears useless fear and shame? ...(can't hear words)

Let me fall If I fall
there's no; reason to miss this one chance, this perfect moment
just let me fall.

This is my trapeze song. I believe it is from the Cirque de Soleil (circus).
When I left a secure salary for NOTHING, and living off my savings, I was letting go of one bar flying through the air knowing that I would catch the other. But in the mean time I was flying through the air.

There are nay-sayers in my life who say "it is hard to make a living painting", or maybe art will be your "hobby" while you get a real job. It makes me want to run back and get a real job and make enough money doing (whatever) and then in my spare time, develop an art/writing job. Be sure first. Be safe. Don't be foolish and waste all your money; you will be so ashamed. It will confirm the fact that you are just a dumb girl, unable to handle finances. Then where will you be? Still no where and broke.

Let me fall. I won't heed their warnings. If they don't think I should put all my effort into being an artist or a writer, or a coach, they are entitled to their opinion.

The line:
"someone I am is waiting for my courage." NO. This is not going to cut it. You don't get courage by waiting for it or even praying for it. You pluck it up. Pluck up your courage. Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. So the idea is someone I am is depending on my courage. I am choosing to take my courage and go.

If I were not convinced God has led me to this place, I might agree with the nay-sayers.

Enough for now, that brilliant blue sky is waiting for the dog and me.

Dear Coach, you surely know that you have plenty of relational capital to spend. The truth may hurt, but I want it.